Category Archives: Short Story

stooping dow

Are you familiar with the work of Skilton? I wasn’t either, at least not until I got this email. You’re gonna love this one, I just know it.

from:    Skilton
to:   spamcarnival
date:    Sat, Dec 5, 2009 at 10:14 PM
subject:    stooping dow

looked at it. The older part and the whole of the west front was Elizabethan, but the Georgian architect entrusted with the task of building a great extension had carried out his work in a manner almost inspired. Lines and curves, sweeping everywhere towards the same constructive purpose, had been harmonised by the hand of time into a most surprising and effectual unity. The criminologist, notwithstanding his unemotional temperament, repeated his exclamation as he resumed his place in the carriage.

“This is where you’ve got us beaten,” he admitted. “Our country places are like gew-gaw palaces compared to this. Makes me kind of sorry,” he went on regretfully, “that I didn’t bring Lenora along.” The Professor shook his head. “You were very wise,” he said. “My brother and Lady Ashleigh have recovered from the shock of poor Lena’s death in a marvellous manner, I believe, but the sight of the girl might have brought it back to them. You have left her with friends, I hope, Mr. Quest?”



“She has an aunt in Hampstead,” the latter explained. “I should have liked to have seen her safely there myself, but we should have been an hour or two later down here, and I tell you,” he went on, his voice gathering a note almost of ferocity, “I’m wanting to get my hands on that fellow Craig! I wonder where they’re holding him.” “At the local police-station, I expect,” the Professor replied. “My brother is a magistrate, of course, and he would see that proper arrangements were made. There he is at the hall door.” The carriage drew up before the great front, a moment or two later. Lord Ashleigh came forward with outstretched hands, the genial smile of the

A quick Google search reveals that all this jibber-jabber is from a book called The Black Box, by E. Phillips Oppenheim. Skilton is a plagiarist!


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in effect option normal skin disease treatment or

Read this one out loud to yourself, like a slam poet. Or should I say… spam poet?

from: deavareaux
to: spamcarnival
date: Fri, Dec 19, 2008 at 2:46 AM
subject: in effect option normal skin disease treatment or

in effect option normal skin disease treatment or

His promise my vote would soon. Around try last ocean corn get
important. Fail block got catch which felt began rope paint. Island
voice usual turned as gray animal print figure. Several similar toward
divide succeed air five thought three vary. Hour report shore early
one plain mount well wall.

Why high that once master new shoulder machine music. Step things
ought shoulder or straight. Rock child log hear sea near written dear
correct value. Press opened pattern near particular last.

Product return winter under go lone. Cook have say place cut every lot
molecule seven test. Range prevent knock made ear gave hole life.
Straight noun land silver sat prevent nine himself by. Concern accept
called old joy. Animals poor close valley show fig joy earth decimal.


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Filed under Prose, Short Story, spam in general

_one man might be_.” “One man!

Friend, co-worker, and Spam Carnival fan Lisa (aka “Gemes,” I suppose) sent this one to me recently.  It has such a wonderful lil’ short story!

The story is about someone at sea who has a friend named Smellie.  It’s a pretty boring story.

from: Luecke
to: Gemes
date: 2010/5/16
subject: _one man might be_.” “One man!

O, taking into consideration the fact
that they could only guess at my whereabouts;

but I was just then far too busy to pay much attention to them.
At length, fearing that, when
we got a little lower down and felt the full strength of
the breeze, the schooner would, in spite of all my efforts, fairly
run away with me, I hailed Smellie, and, briefly explaining the situation
to him, asked him to either give her the fore staysail or else come aft and trice up the tack of the mainsail.
He chose

the latter alternative, as leaving the craft
under canvas easily manageable by one hand, and came aft to effect the
alteration, hurriedly explaining that he would relieve me as soon as possible; but that there was still some difficult navigation ahead which he wanted to see the schooner

safely through. He triced the tack of the sail close up to the throat of the gaff, and was about to hurry forward

again, when the schooner sheering round a bend into a new reach, my attention was suddenly attracted by something ahead and on our lee bow at a distance of perhaps half a mile. “What is that away there on our lee bow, sir?” I exclaimed

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Filed under Short Story, spam in general



from: Trompeter Marlin
to: spamcarnival
date: Thu, Apr 16, 2009 at 12:37 AM
subject: Hi


love seen early fool from voice against things the lay allow force should did tell direction exclaimed last truth fresh. easily walking handsome anything proper hopes whom certain single considered now return resolved father’s,always say father wine back o’clock keeping pale held several the direction thrown young loved hard future any degree ay for,makes observed duty good hear the directly. will lost sight perfectly hold beyond themselves women laugh called hold, satisfied above window son added on hurt lips years grave yours strong hat bright.loss friends continued tired presently watch warm.against short closed boy immediately anxious I’ve person every glass warm question quiet away under finished attention eye,death lady perhaps five

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Filed under Funny Sender Name, Short Story, spam in general

why your weenie is so small? :))

From the archives:

From: Alexander Leonardo
Tony Daniel
Sent: Tuesday, January 16, 2007 10:35 PM
Subject: why your weenie is so small? :))

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This products tested, analyzed and approved by doctors.

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Ivan lost his temper.
‘You fool!’ he shouted, looking for the  woman in  the crowd. ‘ What’s
Wolff  got to  do with it? He didn’t do it …  Wo, wa  . . . No, I’ll never
remember it like this. Now look,  everybody– ring up the police at once and
tell them to  send five motorcycles and sidecars with machine-guns to  catch
the professor. And don’t forget to say that there are two others with him–a
tall fellow in checks with a wobbly  pince-nez and a  great black cat. . . .
Meanwhile I’m going to search Griboyedov–I can sense that he’s here! ‘
Ivan was by now in a state  of some  excitement. Pushing the bystanders
aside he began waving his candle about,  pouring wax on himself, and started

Wait a second — you can’t just cut the story off there!  How am I supposed to know what happened to Ivan?


Filed under I've Been Renamed, Love and Sex, Short Story, spam in general


Don’t let the length of this email stop you from reading the entire thing.  It’s hilarious and one of my favorites!  Please share your favorite part(s) of the story in the comments section.

from: Rosalind Cooley
sent: Wednesday, September 20, 2006 1:49 PM
to: spamcarnival
subject: crooked

Hurds dinner was given in a private room at the DindonneauRestaurant in Soho. And a Scotsman knows what hedoesnt want to buy! And with Lockert away, their invitations were few. It was true, the thing he had been trying to ignore. There was a horseshoe table with seats forthirty.

Lockert had gone off to the Riviera, a weekafter the Ouston dinner.

It had become a disease with bothnations, he reflected, this discussion of Britain vs.

I can tell that youve been seeing one of your jocund Americanfriends again, said Lockert. I think I ought to do it; hes tried so hard to be nice.

I admire the English, but theymake me feel kind of roughneck.

Continue reading


Filed under Best of the best, Epic, Short Story, spam in general


As you can see from the date below, I have been collecting funny spam emails for over two years.  Here’s the first one!

from: Isaiah Mejia
to: spamcarnival
date: Sep 19, 2006 7:32 PM
subject: round

Then,deliberately, he came up the walk to Dixieland, where the Gantswere assembled. Anyway, he thought grimly, Ive read all the damned Barries. Cant youpersuade your father to wait another year?
He was not in line with the bestmodern thought.
Continue reading

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Filed under Short Story, spam in general